I consider myself lucky. My mobility is not greatly effected. I feel pain, yet I am still mobile. I can walk, I can care for my pets, I can brush my teeth, I can turn on a faucet. I can do everything pretty much the same. It is painful and the stiffness makes it difficult, but I am able.
I am not sure how I should feel or how this disease should progress. I have done my research but sometimes it feels like my RA takes a different course.
Is it supposed to be painful whenever I do anything? It is.
Should I see visible signs of the disease? I don’t.
When my doctor tests the range of my joints, should it be smaller or larger or the same? Some days its the same, some days its smaller.
I don’t measure the pain anymore. That pain will always be there, every second of every day. Being in pain is the new normal. I am only 23 years old and I am in chronic pain. Just typing that sounds ridiculous to me…I am an athlete. In order to perform my best, I can’t be in pain. Pain not only affects me physically but it affects me mentally as well. It stops me from pushing myself to be greater at the sport. Sure, being in pain means that I am pushing myself too much and I should take a step back. Where is line when I started exercising in pain? How much pain is too much?
I am a rock-climber. I am not good at any other sports. Never have been, and I am okay with that. I am good at rock-climbing. At least, I used to be. Even so, I love it. Rock-climbing is so freeing. Over the past year I started climbing again at a nearby gym. When I felt great, I climbed well. I was nearly at the same level of difficulty that I was at when I peaked. Recently, I no longer commit to the sport like I used to. Before, I tried to get better to raise my level of difficulty and to work on my technique. Now, I am climbing the same safe climbs that I know I can climb without falling. I’m not trying anymore. I am complacent. Is that normal?
Maybe it has something to do with my recent flare-up. The worst I have had since I was first diagnosed. My doctor medically grounded me for two weeks. No work, no climbing. I switched my medication for the umpteenth time and I am still waiting for it to fully work.
Maybe I am just scared to try and fail. If I place myself in a situation where I feel like I am succeeding, even with my condition, I feel like I am dealing with it well. But then again, what kind of life am I leading if I am no longer trying to motivate or better myself?
Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.
the Rite of Aging...early 
I’ve found one small silver lining in the field of unhappiness that comes with being an injured athlete. You appreciate it more. It’s something that healthy/pain-free people will never understand. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been injured like I have with running will ever feel as much joy as I do when I get a pain-free (or even painful, but successful!) run. Maybe it’s the same with you and climbing?
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Yes, I love the those days (albeit, they are few) when I can climb and work out without any pain whatsoever. It’s amazing and it gives me so much joy as well. Even on those days I don’t push myself as much as I could. I mean, aren’t those the days that I should be pushing myself??
I find that I’m actually doing more difficult climbs when I am upset or angry and in more pain than usual. The pain gets worse but it’s like my brain wants to fight my condition, like it’s daring my body to try and be more unable.
But Kat, I know exactly what you mean and it really is the silver lining to a less than ideal situation. I just wish we both had more days like that!!!
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I didn’t even finish reading your post. I had to respond. Your words are my words, it’s like I wrote this post, only of course I didn’t. I just mean, I wonder about the same things you do. I question, “When do I push myself? When do I rest? How much pain is too much pain?” If I only, I knew exactly what to tell you right now so you would understand how happy I am to have found this blog. Living with chronic pain at our age, is just wrong, unfair. I’m sure at 31, I’m too old to say, “It’s unfair.” Maybe at our age – it’s a mixed blessing. We have hope because we have so much ahead of us, so much living to do …
And I agree with Kat, we appreciate pain free days (and the ability to do simple things like brush our teeth, or more complicated things like run or rock-climb) in a way others can’t possibly really understand. Gratitude is the silver lining, for sure.
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It is the emotional roller coaster we are on, that we can’t get off of, no matter how much we want too. You love rock -climbing. The disappointment of not being able to do what you love, the way you want to do it, is heart-breaking. This is hard for me to put into words. I relate. I swim. I was a life-guard. This summer, I was the happiest I have been since I had back surgery because I tried swimming again. Three times … I was in heaven being able to swim lap after lap. Then, my back went out on me again and I realized maybe I had pushed myself to hard. Maybe I swam too much. Maybe swimming is bad for my back. I really want to swim like I used to, and it is heart breaking for me to realize, I probably can’t. I think that is what you mean when you say you are scared to try and fail. It’s the disappointment of not being able to do what you SHOULD be able to do at your age. It’s missing out on things you love, right? Again, I hope when I read your “future posts” things have improved for you …
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I am so sorry to hear about your back surgery. I thankfully have not experienced consequences like that. The worst I experience is sleeping for days on end because my flare results in excessive lethargy.
My most recent blog post is about a new medication I just started. A few blog posts before detail the major depression I had in August. During that time, I was coping with the fact that I might not be able to rock-climb anymore. I love it, but when I do not push myself, it helps my condition as well. Unfortunately, right now it might be doing more bad than good.
A friend told me I should try swimming. Swimming, like climbing, is very static so I can actually do the sport without traumatizing my joints.
I do agree with both of you that I am much more thankful when I can climb well and without pain or stiffness. I know that those times are rare and I should really appreciate when I am able.
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I’m trying to read about one of your blog posts per day … Reading your blog is like reading a book I just can not put down. Doing an activity we love is tricky – it’s all about when we do it and how. The key word is “intensity”. I hope to hear soon that you can climb again. PS – Thanks for responding to my post!! So cool!! 🙂
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