Tag Archives: rheumatoid arthritis

How Much Pain is Too Much Pain?

27 Sunday Jan 2013

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I consider myself lucky. My mobility is not greatly effected. I feel pain, yet I am still mobile. I can walk, I can care for my pets, I can brush my teeth, I can turn on a faucet. I can do everything pretty much the same. It is painful and the stiffness makes it difficult, but I am able.

I am not sure how I should feel or how this disease should progress. I have done my research but sometimes it feels like my RA takes a different course.

 

Is it supposed to be painful whenever I do anything? It is.

Should I see visible signs of the disease? I don’t.

When my doctor tests the range of my joints, should it be smaller or larger or the same? Some days its the same, some days its smaller.

 

I don’t measure the pain anymore. That pain will always be there, every second of every day. Being in pain is the new normal. I am only 23 years old and I am in chronic pain. Just typing that sounds ridiculous to me…I am an athlete. In order to perform my best, I can’t be in pain. Pain not only affects me physically but it affects me mentally as well. It stops me from pushing myself to be greater at the sport. Sure, being in pain means that I am pushing myself too much and I should take a step back. Where is line when I started exercising in pain? How much pain is too much?

I am a rock-climber. I am not good at any other sports. Never have been, and I am okay with that. I am good at rock-climbing. At least, I used to be. Even so, I love it. Rock-climbing is so freeing. Over the past year I started climbing again at a nearby gym. When I felt great, I climbed well. I was nearly at the same level of difficulty that I was at when I peaked. Recently, I no longer commit to the sport like I used to. Before, I tried to get better to raise my level of difficulty and to work on my technique. Now, I am climbing the same safe climbs that I know I can climb without falling. I’m not trying anymore. I am complacent. Is that normal?

Maybe it has something to do with my recent flare-up. The worst I have had since I was first diagnosed. My doctor medically grounded me for two weeks. No work, no climbing. I switched my medication for the umpteenth time and I am still waiting for it to fully work.

Maybe I am just scared to try and fail. If I place myself in a situation where I feel like I am succeeding, even with my condition, I feel like I am dealing with it well. But then again, what kind of life am I leading if I am no longer trying to motivate or better myself?

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

Blame it on the Med, Med, Med, Med, Medicines…

25 Friday Jan 2013

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I had another blog post completely ready but this one seemed more pertinent today.

I spent the day laid up in bed. I was mobile, I could get up the stairs with minimal pain, and there was no stiffness when I woke up. Why was my day totally ruined? M-E-D-I-C-I-N-E-S.

 

They are so wonderful in controlling my symptoms. Well, one if particular: methotrexate. I look forward to my once-a-week injection because I know I will feel 10 times better the next day. Unfortunately, this medicine also has awful side-effects. I guess it comes with being a low-dose chemotherapy.

I could barely move today, not because I was in pain and “rusty”, but because I was weak and nauseous. I guess chemo will do that to you. I recently increased the dose because of my latest flare-up but with that came a couple of days of pure agonizing nausea to the point that I just couldn’t move. One of the other lovely things about methotrexate is that it does a number on the red-blood cells and leaves me feeling insanely weak. 

Needless to say, I spent the entire day sleeping because I was so lethargic. What did I miss out on? Rock-climbing, a doctor’s appointment, and some lovely retail therapy.

Given my condition, I know why this medication is so important to controlling the symptoms. It kills the white blood cells, stopping them from over-imaginative activity and it helps prevent any longer term damage to the cartilage. That sounds great! Sign me up!…Oh wait, at what expense if I can not function? I spoke with my doctor, we are lowering the dose back down to the original. Still effective, less side-effects. Hopefully this is the last week of this mess.

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA. 

Blog Post #1

23 Wednesday Jan 2013

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20 months ago I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. SURPRISE!

I only started telling people 9 months ago. I consider this blog my “coming out”. I was, and still am, very embarrassed by my condition. Why? Because I used to be athletic, active, happy, and above all, healthy…that has changed.

 

This is not a blog of hope or reassurance. This is a statement of my life, living with this disease from day to day. I am not going to say I will get better because I don’t know that I will. I may get worse. The way this disease has progressed over the last few months I feel like I may never have those periods of no symptoms or “remissions”.

 

Don’t get me wrong, there are good days. I sometimes feel completely normal. I am strong, determined and self-assured. I set my eyes on a goal and I go for it; but sometimes those instincts get buried behind the negative helplessness, unhappiness, and insecurity of my situation. I have been through a lot in my life, and even when it was difficult and over-powering, I never felt broken. I am not going to lie, most days, I feel broken.

I don’t know what I want from this blog or even if anyone will read it. Part of me does not care. I tried so many different outlets to deal with this disease: painting, playing music, writing, talking, exercising. Nothing worked. Maybe this blog will. Or, it won’t. I wonder if having this blog out for everyone to see, might help. I will coherently gather my thoughts and share them with the world, without seeing its reaction. I can document what I wish I could say without the fear of judgment hanging over my head. There is something very therapeutic in that.

 

So…what is rheumatoid arthritis? I like to explain it like this: my immune system has an over-active imagination. It mistakes the cartilage around my joints for foreign bodies. My immune system is trying to damage and destroy that cartilage. This results in the following symptoms (at least for me): excess pain, inflammation in the joints, stiffness, increased fatigue, nausea… 

I guess my biggest issue is that I have to live with these symptoms for the rest of my life. I am only 23 years old. There is a lot of living ahead of me.

I hope that by updating this blog, I can let go of the resentment that I have bottled up for so long, that I can find the road back to the person I used to be. I hope that RA becomes just another interesting fact about me and not what makes me, me.

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.