Tag Archives: rheumatoid arthritis

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The Power of a Good Book

25 Sunday Aug 2013

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“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

In my first blog post I mentioned that I hoped writing online would prove therapeutic to me. I can honestly write down my feelings and have a conversation. I can express my thoughts to an audience who does not have to respond or judge.

After I posted my last entry I felt a great relief wash over me. I wish I had known this two weeks ago. I keep a personal hand-written journal but it is different. The only audience is me.

After the relief wore off I thought clearly about the things that make me happy. One of them: Lord of the Rings. Reading the trilogy brings me a sense of calm. I love to read but that is the only book capable of transporting me into another world. A world I can imagine myself in, a world I want to live in. No matter what is happening in my life, I know Lord of the Rings will carry me through.

The book not only paints a vivid picture but is full of quotes that give me peace and hope. One of my favorites is from The Fellowship of the Ring. I think it fits my situation perfectly. It lifts me up and makes me want to work through my issues.

I know I have to find a stable coping mechanism for my disease. It used to be climbing but I am not always able to do that. It will take some time and I am sure I will hit blocks along the way. I just need to remember that there are soft pieces of wall I can break through without harming myself. (A reference from my last post).

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

Stuck in the Tunnel (August Blues, Part Two)

25 Sunday Aug 2013

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I feel like I have been stuck in a tunnel for two weeks: I am unmotivated, flared up, and depressed. I think of something to do to lift my spirits and I hit the wall. I turn to the other side in hopes that I find something else and that wall is just as close and concrete. I am on the same path forward but the end of the tunnel is so far.  I am unhappy on this path. It is not what I want for my life. I can turn 180 degrees and get out that way, but I am going backwards. That is never an option.

The tunnel analogy falls apart at the end, but I hope that other people with autoimmunes understand. Sometimes, it feels like rheumatoid arthritis shuts me in and I only have one path available to me. I want to break out. I want to use my shoulders and elbows to break through the walls. Unfortunately, I do not have the energy.

Before this diagnosis, whenever I felt trapped I would barrel myself through the wall. I would break myself out of my rut. I could do anything I wanted, be whatever I wanted. Now, I do not have the energy, mentally or physically.

This probably goes hand in hand with my August Blues. I know my mood always dips, but it never dips this far. Every time I find an option, I feel dwarfed by the RA. Maybe I am not trying hard enough to break out. That is the problem with depression, though. It zaps my motivation to get out. I am ok with wallowing in my own self-pity, as awful as it makes me feel.

For now I will walk this one path. Hopefully, I will find a soft piece of wall.

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

A Little Too Circular

21 Wednesday Aug 2013

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Last night, my dad ended up in hospital. His blood pressure sky-rocketed to 212/85. He has a tendency to hypertension but his pressure has never been that high before.

Yesterday, I had a doctor’s appointment. We decided that since I will be in the area for a few more months we should try sitting for the monthly Orencia infusion in lieu of the weekly subcutaneous injections. Well, first off: Yay. I am not starting from scratch which means I should not feel worse for the time being. Still sucks though. I would hope by now my medications would stabilize.

Even though this is not the worst news it still worries my father. I think that worry translated into his famous “cluster” headaches which in turn caused his pressure to hit the roof.

I work in the medical profession as a veterinary technician. I keep my head during an emergency and I stay calm until I need to worry. Honestly, the first thing that RA has taught me: there is no such thing as a personal emergency anymore.

How long am I going to stay out? Do I have food and water? Do I have enough to take my medications at the right time? Do I have the most important medications in case I need to take them away from home? Do I have my insurance cards? Do I have my list of medications?

I never know what course my autoimmune will take or how quickly so I need to be prepared at all times.

I kept a cool head. My dad knew to take his blood pressure medication immediately so thankfully his pressure began to fall. I stayed with him while he was in emergency which was thankfully only a few hours while they ran blood tests.

When I got home, I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up this morning, my knees and hips were more stiff than usual and I had more difficulty completing my normal tasks.

I have to cook the dog veggies today so in order to do that, I need to rest up. Also, if I want to be functional tomorrow, I need to take it easy today and not exacerbate my current condition.

Round and round it goes, my health takes a dip so my dad’s takes a dip which means mine will inevitably take a dip as well.

Just for Fun: Marmalade exhibits a circle!

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

All in my Mind?

16 Friday Aug 2013

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My doctor tells me that I have a very interesting case of RA. Even during a flare, I do not show outward inflammation. We have talked about taking a MRI to measure the amount of inflammation but neither of us feel strongly about it.

I was never a hypochondriac. Part of me thought that because I was small, people would assume I could not take the same amount of pain or stress as someone larger than me. Because of that whenever I hurt myself I would not make a big deal of it. I would not take pain medication. I would power through. So when I started feeling RA symptoms I knew something else was going on. I sustained a wrist injury for many months before I was diagnosed, but my orthopedist knew that the emerging symptoms were not based on the injury alone.

Now, two years after the initial diagnosis, I can feel the slightest difference in my joints. Everything from my ankle does not roll as easily or I bend at the hips more frequently than at the knees.

This makes me uneasy. I know the difference between being out of shape or tired and a flare. Lately, though, everything feels like it causes a flare: climbing, going for a walk, cooking the dog food. I wonder if I am planting a seed of insecurity in my mind that tells me that I no matter what I do, I will flare. I hope not.

Whenever I flare up, I think:

Why do I think I am experiencing a flare?

Is it just based on pain?

Is it based on mobility?

I am basing this current flare on lethargy. I can tell this is a flare because I am uncharacteristically tired. All. The. Time. I nap twice a day and still sleep at night. I can not wake up in the morning which usually comes easily to me. It takes more energy to stir the dog food and carry the dog bowls. I feel strain climbing the stairs or bending down to pick up the pets. My fingers and elbows cramp up more quickly and my shoulders are more painful than usual. A morning does not go by that I am not dropping something. Two days ago, I nearly shattered the dog bowl and a handful of drinking glasses.

More often than not I feel like a hypochondriac but I have to remember that I can gauge a flare in concrete terms that hopefully put those insecure thoughts at bay.

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

August Blues

12 Monday Aug 2013

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Back in June, I quit my full-time job. I felt great within days. The absence of stress really affected how my body felt. For two months, the frequency and severity of my flares were less. I climbed more often and became more active.

Then, for no apparent reason, I flared up badly. I had trouble managing my daily routine. My activity level dropped significantly, and with it, so did my positive mentality. I became more depressed, lethargic, and anxious.

This all happened when I was on 8mg of prednisone. I was thrilled. This was the closest I had come to my life-time “maintenance” dose of 5mg since I was diagnosed.

I was allowed to increase the prednisone, as needed, so I decided to increase to 11mg. It didn’t do anything. Reluctantly, I increased to 12mg. For me, 12mg of prednisone brought insomnia, anxiety, and mood changes. Anything higher and I was a wreck, so I proceeded with caution.

I stayed on 12mg for a week and ,physically, I felt great. My energy level increased and I was more willing to stay active. My mood didn’t get any better. I figured it was because of the medication so I’ve started to decrease, in hopes that I would become more positive. I am at 10mg but I still feel lousy.

When I look back over the last year, I see that I felt the lowest in August. Why August? The weather is beautiful, there is a ton to do, it stays light out for longer, but I still feel depressed. I change my routine but I still feel restless. I don’t want to go out or hang out with friends. Before, I’d jump at the chance to make plans, but now I have to force myself to be social.

 

I’ve been in the same place for three years now and maybe I just need a change of scenery. Hopefully, I can manage a vacation weekend, just to clear my head. It’s possible I just feel stagnant.

 

I’m hoping, like last year, this is just a phase and soon I will feel better but I’m struggling to pin point why I feel this way.

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

Day to Day

10 Sunday Mar 2013

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I have been in a rock-climbing slump for the last two weeks. Every day I think “Monica, get in the car and drive to the gym”. The gym is not that far from my house. I drive there every weekend for work. For whatever reason, the idea of trying to climb just depresses me. It makes me want to dig myself deeper into the blankets.

I love rock-climbing so much. That has not and never will change. So, it makes me wonder why I seem to have such a strong aversion to it right now. Here are a couple of my theories:

 

1) I am afraid.

I know for a fact that my climbing skill is nowhere near as powerful as it was before my recent flare-up. Before December I was doing so well, I was pushing myself, I was strong and capable on the wall. I know that every time I flare up, I lose a lot of my strength. Maybe I am just afraid to try and fail until I am 100% sure I will come back at the same place.

Yes, I know that is a ridiculous thought. If I want to be as strong as I was, then I need to continue to work out and climb. I can’t expect to be the same strength if I just rest for two months.

 

2) The “Honey-Moon” period is over.

Let’s face it: until last July, I hadn’t been able to climb in over a year. When I started back up again, it was new and exciting. Sure, I climbed for 7 years before that, but the fact that I wasn’t physically able to do the sport made this time different. Now that I can climb every day it is not as exciting and it is part of my routine. It is just one more thing to tick of my to-do list.

 

Who the heck knows. I know it is my brain and my emotions but I have no idea why I am feeling this way. I started to climb again a little bit and even though it doesn’t feel all that great, I can feel myself getting back into it. So, at least there is that!

 

For those of you who read this blog: Do you ever feel this way about your sport? Maybe I am just reading way too much into this.

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

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To Rest or Not to Rest…I Choose the Latter.

03 Sunday Feb 2013

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To Rest or Not to Rest…I Choose the Latter.

A friend and co-worker of mine recently wrote a blog post on taking rest days. I started writing a comment when all of a sudden it was at least three paragraphs long and I realized I had enough material for a blog post myself. This is in response to his.

The base line is – I don’t believe in rest days. My arthritis (and I really hate to describe it like that because it assumes old age) is still so unpredictable that one day I will send those 11s but the next I won’t climb the stairs but then three days later I will be at the gym.

I am a firm believer in training as long as I can, for as long as I can because one day I might not be able to. Over the last 18 months I have gotten very good at reading my body. I can tell when there is good pain – the kind from exercising, and bad pain – the kind that tells me I have tweaked a joint in the wrong way. Usually, I can muscle through both.

Maybe that is self-destructive, ok, it is self-destructive…but doesn’t every athlete have that kind of mentality sometimes? We all want to be stronger than the pain we are in. It is not good. For me, it comes out when I am angry. My brain is telling me to stop but I keep going. I push myself harder, to do better. It is like I am daring my body to break down more.

I was speaking to another co-worker and he reminded me that there was a difference between active rest days and days when my body will not allow me to climb. That is true. That is absolutely true. Given the instability of my condition, though, there is no guarantee that an active rest day will allow me to train the next day. I could nap with my pets and watch Netflix all day and give my body the time to recharge, but that does not mean I will feel refreshed. My health can be totally counter-intuitive.

To be honest, though, even if I did feel recharged, I know me. Once I am at a state of rest, I remain at that state of rest until some outside force moves me. Once I am going, I am like a rock (hah…) rolling downhill, I do not stop and I continue to gain speed.

All that said, the minute I feel that tweak or “pop” in one my joints, I take a step back. I do not stop but I do lower the intensity of my exercise. At the end of the day, I don’t want to exacerbate my condition.

I may not believe in rest days but I do believe in dialing down, especially when my body tells me to.

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.