Tag Archives: depression

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When I was a child…

27 Tuesday Aug 2013

Posted by in Rheumatoid Arthritis

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“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child…”

People find me strange.  I turn giddy when I talk about the Hobbit. I wear my Winnie the Pooh earrings with pride. I manage to connect any real life event with I Love Lucy. I show no fear when gushing about Scooby Doo.

People say I never grow up.

I am ok with that. I have been through enough in my life to know that it is important to remember the happiest memories. For me, those memories are my childhood. I watched I Love Lucy marathons with my mother. I watched Scooby Doo cartoons in the morning. I read Winnie the Pooh books every night. I was happy and carefree. I did not worry about the future. I did not worry about college or what happens after I got that degree.

The world was open to my dreams and expectations.

I did not know limitations.

I worry so much now. Those memories keep me grounded. I am not afraid of showing my passion for my childhood obsessions. Those obsessions remind me of a time when I was always happy. I am rarely happy anymore. I am overwhelmed but I find peace in the small hidden treasures in the back of my mind.

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

Stuck in the Tunnel (August Blues, Part Two)

25 Sunday Aug 2013

Posted by in Rheumatoid Arthritis

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I feel like I have been stuck in a tunnel for two weeks: I am unmotivated, flared up, and depressed. I think of something to do to lift my spirits and I hit the wall. I turn to the other side in hopes that I find something else and that wall is just as close and concrete. I am on the same path forward but the end of the tunnel is so far.  I am unhappy on this path. It is not what I want for my life. I can turn 180 degrees and get out that way, but I am going backwards. That is never an option.

The tunnel analogy falls apart at the end, but I hope that other people with autoimmunes understand. Sometimes, it feels like rheumatoid arthritis shuts me in and I only have one path available to me. I want to break out. I want to use my shoulders and elbows to break through the walls. Unfortunately, I do not have the energy.

Before this diagnosis, whenever I felt trapped I would barrel myself through the wall. I would break myself out of my rut. I could do anything I wanted, be whatever I wanted. Now, I do not have the energy, mentally or physically.

This probably goes hand in hand with my August Blues. I know my mood always dips, but it never dips this far. Every time I find an option, I feel dwarfed by the RA. Maybe I am not trying hard enough to break out. That is the problem with depression, though. It zaps my motivation to get out. I am ok with wallowing in my own self-pity, as awful as it makes me feel.

For now I will walk this one path. Hopefully, I will find a soft piece of wall.

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.