Tag Archives: depression

Isolation is the Key to Destruction

08 Saturday Sep 2018

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I’ve always been a bit of a loner. I prefer to stay on my own than go out with a group of people. So, when I was diagnosed with RA I wasn’t surprised I isolated myself even further.

Pride and embarrasment fueled this transition and I found myself pushing everyone away. I have always done this when I find myself weak: weak mentally and now, weak physically. I didn’t want people to see me in a state of pain, disability and sadness. But, friendship is a two way street and I would frequently counter the generic “oh wow, I haven’t heard from you in a while” with a “you could have reached out to me”. You know what my “friends” said?

“Out of sight, out of mind.”

Who can blame them. I hibernate and shy away from the world so how can I expect anyone to care enough to check in on me. There’s more to this, though. Most people find my RA a burden. I’m not sure why when they don’t have to live with this disabiling, disfiguring illness every second of every day. But, because humans are inately selfish, they believe that my illness affects them in some way.

I have never asked my friends for help or accomodations so I don’t know where this annoyance comes from. I know how to take care of myself and I know how to handle situations on my own so…

Why do people get annoyed with me for something I can’t control and that I don’t make anyone else’s problem?

 

Constant isolation destroys the human psyche. We are social animals who crave attention but honestly, I’ve only experienced negative feelings towards me so I continue to be on my own even though I know it will eventually lead to my own distruction.

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

 

Depression Awareness – #fightforlightandlive

20 Wednesday Aug 2014

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My submission for the hashtag #fightforlightandlive. The idea behind my manicure – fly free: free from depression, free from the weight it brings, free to be who you are without fear.

Here is my question for the world: Depression sometimes goes hand in hand with autoimmunes. Is it because it is hard to cope with a life-altering diagnosis? Is it because autoimmunes are inflammatory diseases, affecting all organs including the brain? 

I suffered from depression, on and off, long before I ever felt my first arthritic pains, but I wonder now if it has gotten worse because I still cannot wrap my head around my new disability or because inflammation runs rampant in my body.

 

Five minutes after I applied top coat I had to wrestle the Saachi for something and everything smudged. My left hand came out with the least damage so I photographed that hand.

 

DSCF0563_fotor-001I used 2 coats of Zoya Giovanna as my base. I used 1 coat of Deborah Lippman One Short Day (from the Wicked collection) on my thumb and ring finger. I used 1 coat of Serum No. 5 Forest Lights and 1 coat of Zoya Opal on my index, middle and pinky finger.

I stamped with American Apparel Parakeet and MoYou London plate 02 (from the Mother Nature collection).

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

 

Don’t forget to check out everyone who went green for Depression Awareness. Use #fightforlightandlive across all social media!

The Good Pain

13 Wednesday Aug 2014

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It exists! Good pain!

 

Two weeks ago, I climbed for 5 days straight, two to three hours each session. First of all, I know right? That sounds a) completely unbelievable and b) totally regrettable. But, guess what? I felt amazing. I hurt but it was all muscle pain and no, it was not “I strained a muscle and now I cannot move”, it was “I had a great workout and now my muscles are repairing and strengthening themselves”!

I texted a good friend of mine on staff to tell him I was in pain and at first he thought it was a flare. I gushed over how great this good pain felt.

I forgot what a good workout felt like. I felt mobile, happy, charged, and overall “normal”.

 

…I dislike using the word “normal”. My normal no longer exists. My RA-ridden body is the new norm yet I still remember what “normal” feels like.

This is probably holding me back, mentally. I do not mean, life-wise, getting a job, moving around, living…I mean, I cannot move forward with this disease. I keep hoping it will go into remission, I will go back to the way I was.

 

All of that aside, I was thrilled. I remember way back in high school my muscles ached when I climbed too hard and I felt painful and uncomfortable. I remember my annoyance when I pushed my body too far when I shouldn’t have. I knew my limits and ignored them.

Now, I love this pain. The muscle pain reminds me I am still able-bodied, I am still capable, I am not just the RA. I still have limits and push myself past them.

 

How strange, right? My perception of pain completely changed. Regardless, I still have to pick and choose my battles like whether I should climb or cook the dog food, I still cannot do both in a day.

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

A Bad Place

09 Wednesday Jul 2014

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I have not stuck with my RA-post blogging. I am working on two posts right now. Every time I sit down to draft them, I lose steam.

I am in such a bad place right now.

I feel awful. I am in pain. It takes 5 or 6 times more energy just to do everything. I feel immobile more often than not.

Climbing is difficult. I am stiff before and after. I am in pain afterwards. I just can’t climb. Physically, I cannot complete climbs, I have trouble with the moves. Everyone rocks at the sport and does not have to deal with the same physical barriers as I do. I cannot keep up with my usual climbing partners and I can tell they do not want to climb with me. So, once again, I am on the lookout for a new climbing partner.

The Orencia IV infusion did not work this month. I had vacation for three weeks and I wanted to travel. I feel so under the weather I never made it farther than my climbing gym!

All this has makes me very depressed. I am immobile, barely capable, and the only thing that made me very happy is near impossible right now.

As always, RA gets in the way of life.

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

Rheumatoid Arthritis Awareness Week #LookDeeper #RAAW14

17 Tuesday Jun 2014

Posted by in Rheumatoid Arthritis

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Chronic fatigue is one of the most unfortunate parts of Rheumatoid Disease. It is not only a symptom of the disease but a side-effect of the medications.

30somethingwitharthritis

I was one of 1,954 people with Rheumatoid Arthritis who completed National Rheumatoid Arthritis Society’s survey on the impact of chronic fatigue for those living with RA. Although I mainly use the term ‘Rheumatoid Disease’ now rather than ‘Rheumatoid Arthritis’, in this context I’ll use RA. It’s no surprise that 83% of survey respondents ‘felt that the public is not at all aware of the impact that chronic fatigue has on people’s lives’. I think the general public get confused between RA and Osteoarthritis (OA) and find it hard to understand the full implications of living with an invisible illness. I think this is partly due to how the media covers rheumatoid arthritis and because fewer people have RA than OA. (According to Arthritis Research UK, 8.75 million people (in the UK) have sought treatment for osteoarthritis). In contrast, according to NRAS, around 690,000 people in the UK have RA…

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A Clenched Jaw is a Insomniac’s Nightmare

21 Wednesday May 2014

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1:00 AM

 

When I stopped the Ambien three weeks ago I took Tylenol PM to ease back into normal sleep.

When I stopped the Tylenol PM I slept on my own. I fell asleep well but I woke up regularly during the night.

Over the last week, the tables turned. I no longer fell asleep quickly but, excluding occasional pet disturbances, I slept well. The hours wasted away and so did my chances at a full night’s slumber.

I tried Lavender Epsom Salt baths, they calmed me down but didn’t lull me to sleep. I tried sleep sprays. I tried chamomile-infused hand creams. Nothing worked.

 

1:15 AM

 

I turn off half my lights one hour before I lay down. I lower the brightness and volume on my computer. I brush my teeth and complete my evening skincare routine half an hour before I lay down. I turn off my laptop and I read until I feel drowsy.

Drowsy but awake.

 

1:20 AM

 

I carry my stress in my jaw and clench it without realizing. I only notice when it feels sore. Years ago, I ground my teeth and tightened my jaw and neck. After years of practice, I broke the habit.

It is back.

I wake up in the middle of the night sore. I clench my jaw in my sleep? On top of not falling asleep, I am also not getting a good night’s rest.

I did not realize I was “stressed”. If I were to write down everything in my day I do not think I would come up with anything “stressful”. Things are going well right now, mundane, but well. Maybe that’s it? I don’t do mundane. I get bored quickly and look for a change!

Even as I write this post, I clench my jaw. I do not realize I am doing it so I cannot stop it. Even when I am aware and actively relax the muscles they bounce right back. This was a huge problem for me when I was a kid because it resulted in pain and other dental issues but I do not remember how to break this habit.

 

1:30 AM

 

I tried deep meditation and yoga before bed but all the bad thoughts I suppress, surface. I’ve tried laying there and hoping sleep comes to me. It turns into me checking the clock every hour and thinking “if I fall asleep now, I have X hours left to sleep…”

 

1:45 AM

 

Medications do not work neither do natural remedies like warm milk. I am hesitant to re-start Ambien because I experience weird side-effects with it (next day grogginess is not one, surprisingly!)

 

2:00 AM

 

What do you think: Is there something I have not tried that might help? Do you have any good stress-relievers you swear by?

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

A Foggy Future

01 Tuesday Apr 2014

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To see the accompanying nail art, click here.

 

Do you remember my second dexa-scan? Well…I got the results in the mail a couple of days and it is not good.

I am still in the normal range for most of my bone density except I am at the cusp of osteoporosis in my lower spine, making me three times more likely to fracture that part of my back. I also have osteopenia in my hips, with a 9% decrease in my left one since my last scan.

The decrease in my bone density is a direct result of the prednisone.

 

What is happening?

 

I am in my 20s and I can’t fall. If I do, if my own dog knocks me over, I take a rock-climbing fall, I twist something the wrong way, I can break my spine.

This does not even have to do with the arthritis right now. There are so many other complications running through my head.

I am not scared and sometimes act irrationally because why should I worry? What ever happens will happen and if it is going to happen anyways why shouldn’t I be rash? It will not affect whether I deteriorate or not.

Now I am afraid. If I fracture my spine I could experience nerve damage….I know I will eventually lose my mobility but I never thought I would lose my physical ability.

There are ways around this, I always have options, but I need to find a new dream. My current dreams, though they are slipping further as I lose more of my strength, require me to be physically fit (I want to be a veterinarian and do professional technical theater). I know I am lucky to have my physical ability. I could worsen more quickly, progress much faster but I cannot help but feel stressed about this news.

Now, all I can think about is every time I get pushed around by a dog, every time I trip over my own feet or lose my balance, every time I rock-climb, I risk so much.

 

I am trying to see the bright side. I know why my back, shoulders and hips hurt so much! I am more informed and can be more careful. And, I am already on preventative medications. Sure, I will never get retrieve what was lost but I can slow the progression.

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.