The last few days were rough for me. I am not dealing with a flare but somebody told me something that hit me hard.
I spiraled pretty badly and I am trying to regain my composure. It took all of my energy to continue with the 31 day nail challenge because I no longer feel motivated to do anything.
Someone from work told me that nobody wants to rock-climb or hang out with me anymore because they all think that they have to make special allowances for the arthritis. I thought I had made it clear that I do not need any help and if I do, I will ask for it. I have become a lot more creative to overcome any disabilities. I very rarely ask for help and never use the RA as an excuse to not complete a work task.
Initially, I did not think too much of it. I am sure it came out in a different way than was meant, but recently I notice it is true.
People no longer invite me on climbing trips, yet still talk about them in front of me. Everyone makes excuses to not climb with me indoors. People always tell me the classic “I am busy for the next few weeks” whenever I reach out to hang out.
I feel like a fool. There are so many times that I can reach out before I look like an idiot.
The only times I manage to socialize with my co-workers is when I just push my presence on them and invite myself. That is not good any way around. If they wanted me to join, they would ask. I mean, I am standing right there.
I have not climbed in almost three weeks and I have no plans to climb in the future.
I am still very wary of who I tell about my disease. No more than 20 people know. I would not have told them at work but each employee has to pass a drug test. I had to tell them about my condition.
What I realized is I became sloppy about what I say.
I was always a closed book. I rarely let people into my life and I rarely talked about my problems.
People act like they cared about my well-being so I divulge more information on my condition.
That is interpreted as: I whine too much and am not trying hard enough to change my situation.
Oh, okay.
Let me just exercise a little more and maybe my joints will get stronger.
Please tell me again how I should just lower my methotrexate dose so that I feel less lethargic and nauseous.
Why can’t I just increase my prednisone dose to 15mg so that I can function?
Why don’t I just take more pain-killers?
Why don’t I try harder to make my condition less controlling?
What symptoms? You seem ok to me…
I am tired of explaining my condition to people who do not care enough to understand. Every time I try, people form even lower opinions of me.
When I closed myself off from people: I worked hard, I spoke when spoken to, my opinions were held in high regard.
I need to go back to that.
Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.
