Category Archives: Rheumatoid Arthritis

Smile Like you Mean it

30 Friday Aug 2013

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To see the accompanying nail art click here.

Today I rock-climbed. No, let me re-phrase that. Today I rock-climbed well.

I climbed three 5.10s. Specifically, a 5.10a, a 5.10b, and a 5.10c. I climbed all three climbs from top to bottom without falling. I “sent” the climbs.

I knew sending the climbs was not important. I was just happy to be on the wall. I was not going to lie: I felt pleased. I was proud of myself. I had the strength, agility, and mobility to climb quickly and efficiently.

I climbed on and off for the last couple of weeks. There was a length of time when I could not climb at all because of the flare.

Before, every time I had a flare I lost my strength. I had to work my way back up the difficulty level of climbs. I was ecstatic when I realized I had not lost all my strength. Okay, so my fingers cramped up more than usual and I forced myself to stretch farther with my legs and shove my arms above my head but I was able to do it.

And sure, I am paying for it now. I am unable to climb the stairs properly, my elbows and shoulders lock, and my fingers cramp as I type. It is so worth it though.

When I was a junior in high school, I suffered through a bad bout of depression. I barely scraped by that year academically and emotionally.

Looking back, that year was a blur but there was one thing I will never forget.

My climbing coach pulled me aside one day and said to me, “Monica, I don’t think I have seen you smile at all this year. I miss your smile, it brightens my day. I think it brightens most people’s day.”

Today, for the first time in weeks, I genuinely smiled and laughed.

I know the difference between a forced and real smile. When I smile, for real, I feel it in my entire face. My cheeks get red, my eyes crinkle and light up. I show my teeth. My laugh lines go deep. I feel happy.

When I force that same smile it feels fake. People see right through me. They know it is a show.

I hope that because of this one smile everything will look up. This one smile is the crack I needed to find in the tunnel wall. The wall is weak around the crack.

I think I can push out now.

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

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When I was a child…

27 Tuesday Aug 2013

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“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child…”

People find me strange.  I turn giddy when I talk about the Hobbit. I wear my Winnie the Pooh earrings with pride. I manage to connect any real life event with I Love Lucy. I show no fear when gushing about Scooby Doo.

People say I never grow up.

I am ok with that. I have been through enough in my life to know that it is important to remember the happiest memories. For me, those memories are my childhood. I watched I Love Lucy marathons with my mother. I watched Scooby Doo cartoons in the morning. I read Winnie the Pooh books every night. I was happy and carefree. I did not worry about the future. I did not worry about college or what happens after I got that degree.

The world was open to my dreams and expectations.

I did not know limitations.

I worry so much now. Those memories keep me grounded. I am not afraid of showing my passion for my childhood obsessions. Those obsessions remind me of a time when I was always happy. I am rarely happy anymore. I am overwhelmed but I find peace in the small hidden treasures in the back of my mind.

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

Nail Art: Strawberries and Cream

26 Monday Aug 2013

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I was painting my nails when I was reminded of the snacks my mother used to make me after school. She suffered from Lupus and kept a healthy diet which I followed. I rarely ate ice cream or cake. I never had soda or any other carbonated beverage. I even drank fresh vegetable juice. 

I never had a big sweet tooth but my favorite after-school snack was strawberries and cream. My mother sliced strawberries in a bowl of milk and sprinkled a little sugar on top. 

Zoya "Kissy" and SerumNo5 "Happy Special Day" over China Glaze "Fuchsia"

Strawberries and Cream

I started with two layers of China Glaze “Fuchsia”. It is a great bright pink. It is a little too bright for my skin tone but I think it is pretty anyways. The formula is thin but not runny. It did not streak on the nail even on one coat.

I added a coat of Zoya “Kissy”. It is a dense pink shimmer suspended in a clear base. There are a few shiny silver rectangular glitters as well. The formula is smooth and the pink glitter is dense. It is very difficult to find any of the rectangular pieces, even after shaking the bottle. Within seconds they collect at the bottom.

I can not help layering Serum No5 “Happy Special Day” over everything! Especially if I am not doing any nail art. I have ranted about this polish here.

 

My diet has definitely changed since my diagnosis: I stay away from starch, cut out most junk foods and lower my lactose intake. Even so, I will always enjoy my strawberries and cream.

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

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The Power of a Good Book

25 Sunday Aug 2013

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“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

In my first blog post I mentioned that I hoped writing online would prove therapeutic to me. I can honestly write down my feelings and have a conversation. I can express my thoughts to an audience who does not have to respond or judge.

After I posted my last entry I felt a great relief wash over me. I wish I had known this two weeks ago. I keep a personal hand-written journal but it is different. The only audience is me.

After the relief wore off I thought clearly about the things that make me happy. One of them: Lord of the Rings. Reading the trilogy brings me a sense of calm. I love to read but that is the only book capable of transporting me into another world. A world I can imagine myself in, a world I want to live in. No matter what is happening in my life, I know Lord of the Rings will carry me through.

The book not only paints a vivid picture but is full of quotes that give me peace and hope. One of my favorites is from The Fellowship of the Ring. I think it fits my situation perfectly. It lifts me up and makes me want to work through my issues.

I know I have to find a stable coping mechanism for my disease. It used to be climbing but I am not always able to do that. It will take some time and I am sure I will hit blocks along the way. I just need to remember that there are soft pieces of wall I can break through without harming myself. (A reference from my last post).

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

Stuck in the Tunnel (August Blues, Part Two)

25 Sunday Aug 2013

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I feel like I have been stuck in a tunnel for two weeks: I am unmotivated, flared up, and depressed. I think of something to do to lift my spirits and I hit the wall. I turn to the other side in hopes that I find something else and that wall is just as close and concrete. I am on the same path forward but the end of the tunnel is so far.  I am unhappy on this path. It is not what I want for my life. I can turn 180 degrees and get out that way, but I am going backwards. That is never an option.

The tunnel analogy falls apart at the end, but I hope that other people with autoimmunes understand. Sometimes, it feels like rheumatoid arthritis shuts me in and I only have one path available to me. I want to break out. I want to use my shoulders and elbows to break through the walls. Unfortunately, I do not have the energy.

Before this diagnosis, whenever I felt trapped I would barrel myself through the wall. I would break myself out of my rut. I could do anything I wanted, be whatever I wanted. Now, I do not have the energy, mentally or physically.

This probably goes hand in hand with my August Blues. I know my mood always dips, but it never dips this far. Every time I find an option, I feel dwarfed by the RA. Maybe I am not trying hard enough to break out. That is the problem with depression, though. It zaps my motivation to get out. I am ok with wallowing in my own self-pity, as awful as it makes me feel.

For now I will walk this one path. Hopefully, I will find a soft piece of wall.

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

A Little Too Circular

21 Wednesday Aug 2013

Posted by in Rheumatoid Arthritis

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Last night, my dad ended up in hospital. His blood pressure sky-rocketed to 212/85. He has a tendency to hypertension but his pressure has never been that high before.

Yesterday, I had a doctor’s appointment. We decided that since I will be in the area for a few more months we should try sitting for the monthly Orencia infusion in lieu of the weekly subcutaneous injections. Well, first off: Yay. I am not starting from scratch which means I should not feel worse for the time being. Still sucks though. I would hope by now my medications would stabilize.

Even though this is not the worst news it still worries my father. I think that worry translated into his famous “cluster” headaches which in turn caused his pressure to hit the roof.

I work in the medical profession as a veterinary technician. I keep my head during an emergency and I stay calm until I need to worry. Honestly, the first thing that RA has taught me: there is no such thing as a personal emergency anymore.

How long am I going to stay out? Do I have food and water? Do I have enough to take my medications at the right time? Do I have the most important medications in case I need to take them away from home? Do I have my insurance cards? Do I have my list of medications?

I never know what course my autoimmune will take or how quickly so I need to be prepared at all times.

I kept a cool head. My dad knew to take his blood pressure medication immediately so thankfully his pressure began to fall. I stayed with him while he was in emergency which was thankfully only a few hours while they ran blood tests.

When I got home, I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up this morning, my knees and hips were more stiff than usual and I had more difficulty completing my normal tasks.

I have to cook the dog veggies today so in order to do that, I need to rest up. Also, if I want to be functional tomorrow, I need to take it easy today and not exacerbate my current condition.

Round and round it goes, my health takes a dip so my dad’s takes a dip which means mine will inevitably take a dip as well.

Just for Fun: Marmalade exhibits a circle!

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

All in my Mind?

16 Friday Aug 2013

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My doctor tells me that I have a very interesting case of RA. Even during a flare, I do not show outward inflammation. We have talked about taking a MRI to measure the amount of inflammation but neither of us feel strongly about it.

I was never a hypochondriac. Part of me thought that because I was small, people would assume I could not take the same amount of pain or stress as someone larger than me. Because of that whenever I hurt myself I would not make a big deal of it. I would not take pain medication. I would power through. So when I started feeling RA symptoms I knew something else was going on. I sustained a wrist injury for many months before I was diagnosed, but my orthopedist knew that the emerging symptoms were not based on the injury alone.

Now, two years after the initial diagnosis, I can feel the slightest difference in my joints. Everything from my ankle does not roll as easily or I bend at the hips more frequently than at the knees.

This makes me uneasy. I know the difference between being out of shape or tired and a flare. Lately, though, everything feels like it causes a flare: climbing, going for a walk, cooking the dog food. I wonder if I am planting a seed of insecurity in my mind that tells me that I no matter what I do, I will flare. I hope not.

Whenever I flare up, I think:

Why do I think I am experiencing a flare?

Is it just based on pain?

Is it based on mobility?

I am basing this current flare on lethargy. I can tell this is a flare because I am uncharacteristically tired. All. The. Time. I nap twice a day and still sleep at night. I can not wake up in the morning which usually comes easily to me. It takes more energy to stir the dog food and carry the dog bowls. I feel strain climbing the stairs or bending down to pick up the pets. My fingers and elbows cramp up more quickly and my shoulders are more painful than usual. A morning does not go by that I am not dropping something. Two days ago, I nearly shattered the dog bowl and a handful of drinking glasses.

More often than not I feel like a hypochondriac but I have to remember that I can gauge a flare in concrete terms that hopefully put those insecure thoughts at bay.

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

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