Author Archives: MonicawithRA

Believe or Not Believe

16 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by in Rheumatoid Arthritis

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

,

I am so resentful of my condition that it has become self-loathing.

I would not say that I hate myself because I do not.

The arthritis is just a quality that I dislike about myself.

If there is a quality about myself I do not like, I can actively change it.

This is not the case with the RA.

 

And that is where that resentment comes from.

 

People who know about my condition sometimes treat it like a personality trait. One that I can turn on and off like a switch.

If I am able, nobody minds.

If I am disabled, it is my fault because I am not trying hard enough to fight it.

 

Auto-immunes do not work like that.

 

There are a handful of things (heck, I can probably count them on one hand) I know for certain flare me up. Bouldering (shorter climbs without ropes), for example, is one of them.

I make that perfectly clear.

However, people still assume I can do it. Or I can do it in the future if I work on it.

Overcoming RA is not like practicing a skill and getting better.

 

It is a barrier that I have to live with; with the understanding that I am incapable of certain activities.

 

But somehow, that is my fault.

I do not understand that rationalization.

How is this my fault?

This disease is not all in my mind.

 

What I begin to realize is people do not understand this. They assume I “cry wolf” because they cannot see the symptoms.

How I feel is based on my opinions alone.

Maybe when my joints start to deform people will finally realize that there is a lead-up. Joints do not just disfigure overnight.

 

That seems like a very, very dire price for me to pay so people believe me.

 

It would be easier to find new people to surround myself with. People who do not make me feel worse about myself. Unfortunately, I hit this block everywhere I go.

Even from my own family.

What I begin to realize is I am alone in this.

 

Nobody sees me during a bad flare. I hide away and cancel all plans.

Just because people see me during a controlled phase does not mean that I am always like that.

And what really gets me, if I do venture out when I am feeling unwell, people respond “You could have stayed home, we would have understood”.

Don’t lie.

What they understand is that I am making excuses and hiding behind my disease.

 

Anyone who knows me, please, list three times I used my disease as an excuse.

I dare you.

 

Just because there are people out there who have control over their auto-immunes does not mean I do. I am still new to this diagnosis. I know it will take time to stabilize.

 

I just wish other people knew that too.

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

31DC2013 Day 15: Delicate Print

14 Saturday Sep 2013

Posted by in Just for Fun, Nail Art

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

I love love love how this came out. Unfortunately, the pictures do not do it justice.

I am really bummed that I have to take it off for tomorrow’s challenge.

Delicate Print

And another angle:

Image

 I started with three coats of Sephora by OPI “Mr. Right Now”. I finally found my red! It dries to a jelly finish so I need three coats for full opacity. The formula is awesome and does not streak.

I sponged Zoya “Cheryl” and Pretty Jelly “Plum In Love”. I love the Pretty Jelly polishes. The holographic ones are so pretty!

I used a small brush to apply Pretty Jelly “Dream Cloud” and “Plum In Love” to any bald spots.

I applied one coat of Seche Vite.

I marbled Orly “Won’t Chip” and Zoya “Adina” on my ring finger. This was a trial and I did not like how it came out. It totally masked the colors underneath.

I marbled Orly “Won’t Chip” top coat and Chanel “Taboo” on the rest of the fingers. The colors are so similar that it is difficult to capture the marbling in pictures. It is a shame because it came out so nicely! However, I do like the subtlety.

I waited for the polishes to dry before stamping Bundle Monsters plate “BM-314” with Urban Outfitters “Westside”.

I cannot contain my excitement on this manicure. I really really love it!

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

31DC2013 Day 14: Flowers

14 Saturday Sep 2013

Posted by in Just for Fun, Nail Art

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

The weather was fantastic today! We had a huge thunderstorm last night so today the skies were clear and the grass was bright.

Flower Prompt

I started with two coats of Milani “Peacock”.

I sponged a mix of Zoya “Suvi” and Cult Nails “Deal with It”. I applied small flecks of Suvi and sponged one more layer of the mix. 

I waited for it to dry.

I stamped the toadstool with Bundle Monsters plate “302” and Sephora by OPI “Mr. Right Now”. 

I stamped the flowers with Bundle Monsters plate “311” and Color Club “Almost Famous”.

I topped everything with Seche Vite.

I applied INM Northern Lights to my ring finger. I have been watching the show “Once Upon a Time” and felt a little magical sparkle would be nice. 🙂

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

31DC2013 Day 13: Animal Print

13 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by in Just for Fun, Nail Art

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

My biggest aspiration as a veterinarian is to work in a conservation agency with the white bengal tiger.

Animal Print

I started with two coats of China Glaze “White on White”.

I used an artist’s brush to swipe on butter London “Tea with the Queen”.

I applied swipes of SpaRitual “Howl” on top of the butter London color.

I finished with Seche Vite. It smudged a little bit but I do not mind. The stripes on the tigers are not precise either!

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

31DC2013 Day 12: Stripes

12 Thursday Sep 2013

Posted by in Just for Fun, Nail Art

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

Image

I used two coats of Zoya “Crystal”. I topped off with Seche Vite to smooth the base.

I then applied three stripes of Milani High Speed Fast Dry “Quick Teal”.

I painted on one glitter stripe of Milani “Twinkle”.

I did not want to add a top coat because I liked the 3-D effect of the glitter.

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

Pressures

12 Thursday Sep 2013

Posted by in Rheumatoid Arthritis

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

,

Resentment is an interesting emotion.

It reeks of self-hatred but does not register in the mind as such.

It builds a pressure within the mind that cannot be released by positive influences alone.

It burrows like a termite that once inside it builds its nest with strength and silence.

Resentment goes undetected until the structure gives way.

It grows quickly.

All it takes is one instant, one second, one thought for it to take root.

 

Where does it start?

Is it regret stemmed from actions?

Is it self-loathing?

Or

Is it a rationalization when events do not go our way?

It purely a selfish emotion but I cannot help but feel it. The RA has changed my perception:

 

I resent able-bodied people.

I resent myself for having this disability.

I resent the people who know about my condition and still blame me when I am unable to complete a task.

I resent the people who say “But you seem ok!”

Are you kidding?!

“Seeming ok” is a struggle.  Just because I appear healthy does not mean that I am.

I resent myself for not making a bigger deal of my situation.

 

Do resentment and regret go hand in hand?

I feel resentment because of my own formed opinions. I feel regret over actions that I find embarrassing or did not end up the way I wished them.

 

I have control over regret. This is not the case with resentment.

I feel resentful of my condition because sometimes I cannot control it.

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.

31DC2013 Day 11: Polka Dots

11 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by in Just for Fun, Nail Art

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

Polka dots are my least favorite print. I am totally uninspired by them.

I love this manicure though! The glitter top coat hides any dot imperfections and the color scheme works well!

It kind of reminds me of the winter holidays.

Polka Dots

I started with two coats of Sephora by OPI “212-Sephora”.

I zig-zagged Sephora by OPI “Caffeine Fix” with a small brush. The lines did not appear in the finished product which I liked. They were mostly there to guide my dots.

In between the zig-zags I applied dots of Milani “Foxy Lady”.

On the zig-zags themselves I applied dots of Zoya “Goldie”.

I finished with two coats of Sephora by OPI “Come to Pappa-razzi!”

 

Hi, my name is Monica and I have RA.